Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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