Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
