well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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