Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
