I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
