I'm going to rape someone's good day.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
