Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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