Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
