Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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