I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
