A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Randomize
