Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
