he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
