I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
