I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize