He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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