forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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