420 ftw
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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