dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
