Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
