She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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