I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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