it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Text me some of your sweat
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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