I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
