He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
