I can tuck mytits in my pants
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
