On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
