Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
