I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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