There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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