do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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