don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
a search helicopter?!
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
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