You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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