you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
