one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
