I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
