why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
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So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
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Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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