Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning