Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay