someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
