why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
