Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Randomize
