I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
