I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
