I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
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Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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