alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
