His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm too high and old for this...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
