The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
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I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
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I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize