I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
