I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
