if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
