Small penises have feelings too.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
