FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize