Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
