is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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