I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
