someone threw a dead crab at me
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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