he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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