i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
