I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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