i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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