:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
