i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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