dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
My pussy is not your playground.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
