sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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